I turn 30 two weeks from today and I am absolutely terrified. You’d think I’d be excited. You’d think I’d be looking forward to opening a new door in my life. You’d think a lot of things if I were what society considers a normal human being. However, for better or worse, I am not. Far from it.
The truth is that I’ve literally drank, smoked and snorted away my twenties and even upon approaching 30, I’m still having reservations about staying sober. Just last week I suffered from another relapse. So now here I am, approaching an age where you’re nowhere near being considered old, but yet you’re no longer young enough to get away with non-progression due to the indulgence of adolescent chaos and have absolutely nothing to show for it. It’s a scary feeling knowing that it’s now or never, that change is no longer an option, but is mandatory for survival.
As for looking back on the life of the party and relishing the good times, what can I say: it was fun. Oh yes, it was very fun. It was fun until it wasn’t. Meaning that by the time I had turned 26, I was still sleeping all day and partying all night while everyone else around me was working for a living, graduating from college and transitioning into a career of their own.
Despite all of this, I have very few regrets. I know it sounds crazy considering my current status in life, but other than trying heroin that very first time, everything else was an experience in itself that helped build character. There’s always a positive in a negative. And that’s a positive that nobody can take from.
If nothing else, there is a flipside to my fear of getting old, an alternate perspective if you will. I’ve decided to treat it as a challenge, a test of my strength. As I get older, I become more vulnerable. It takes longer and longer for my body to recover from things like bad eating habits and harsh physical labor and, particularly in my case, more sinister vices such as drinking and drug use. I can feel it in my bones. I can taste it in my stamina. I’m not as strong and fast as I once was and it’s screwing with my confidence. You know what I say? Fuck that.
I’ve made a firm decision to become the exception to the rule. I’m going to go that extra mile to improve my physical health to the point where I’ll be in better shape at 30 than I was at 18. The reality that I’m growing older in age is all the more motivation to be determined in staying physically fit. Cause at this point, it’s not a joke anymore. I don’t have room to play around like I once did. Now I’m going to have to push twice as hard as I did before to reach my goals. You know what I say to that? Challenge accepted. That being said, happy 30th birthday to me!!!
Photo Credit: DeviantArt